My Wednesday Morning

This morning, I woke up with back woes. Yes, my back is still aching from the NAPFA test.

Goes to show how much I get out to really stretch and run. Maybe it's finally time to get out of the cyberworld and visit the gymworld. Maybe not. I'm just procrastinating.

I have reason to. I work till I'm shagged everyday. The only time I have for myself is the journey to and fro where I stare at the glassy MRT window panels and think.

And when I think, I really think in depth. Just today, I wanted to chart out my career path.

Call me a freak, call me a nerd. I'm just an organized virgo who wants to plan out my life.

I know that you cannot chart out every single step of your life down to the last cent and minute but still, it gives me an indication of where I am.

Today's thoughts brought me to think how am I able to live comfortably.

Yes, I won't deny my middle class aspirations. I wish to creep out of this ladder to hopefully more luxurious comforts.

A condominium with pool and gym facilities, A career that's as challenging as much as it is interesting, A car that is practical yet sleek in design and A bank account that should be able to take care my parents for the rest of their lives.

Throughout all this thinking, I had one notion in mind. That I will be single forever.

Yes, this solemn notion of me being a singleton doesn't sound so bad. I will never be accountable for missing anniversaries, fetching kids home from school or attending their piano recitals.

Being singles has it quirks. But it also means I'll be lonely in my walking cane years. But with no responsibility to bear in the credit card years, isn't that more of a bliss than pain?

I tinkered with the idea of me foregoing any form of relationship except friendships and kinship. I would then focus my efforts to studying hard and surviving in a foreign land.

For your info, I will be studying in a foreign university if fate allows and cards fall my way, but it seems that won't happen. I can only hope.

But is being single as bad as it seems, after all, the only setback is no children to carry on your surname & bloodline and no partner to whack you at night when you snore or accompany you to line dancing lessons.

But one thing that really has been buggering me is this. If I ever do get attached, I will lose a part of my freedom. The freedom of "me".

For those who do not understand what I'm talking about, the "me" refers to the sanity of your space that you are entitled when you are single. You have to take into consideration the other party and you feel a sense of entitlement being lost to her when every consideration about a decision or a thought has to take into account the other party.

As you all can see by now, I'm a narcissitical egoist. I care more about myself than I care about others. That's why I don't support NKF or even drop coins at donation cans.

Call me heartless, call me depiscable, but this is the mold that I have slowly melded to as my adolescent years slowly beget me.

Most Singaporean kids are just plain spoiled, ego-centric and materialistic, and I'm one of them. The only thing redeeming is that I have my sensibilities. I know when to give and when to take. I know when to stop splurging and start saving.

The only thing I haven't learn is to stop thinking about myself as the first priority. And I love to think, as my thoughts are the only thing that is free.

I know I should start taking into consideration of others. But I'm just apathetic to others.

It's me, myself and I for now. I don't wish to give up my singleton existence but I don't wish to be single forever.

Compromises, compromises. Sigh. Will I ever walk down the aisle?

Feeling rather Wiltful on a Wednesday,
Benjamin