My first crush

I'm writing about my first crush as an assignment for the mdd8 competition. As much as I'm already eliminated, I will continue the spirit of blogging of whatever it's ask. It's an interesting assignment and you peeps who still bother reading this get the whole scoop. My first crush.

Coming from St. Stephens Primary school (a boys school), I technically have never interacted with any females before. Females my age that is.

Never had the chance as my neighbours were also mostly ruly boys like me, scruffy and the type that kicks those cheapo plastic balls around the void deck.

I got into my fourth choice of secondary school, which is Hai Sing Catholic High. Quite a distance, you can imagine when I live in Bedok and Pasir Ris seems so far far away at that time.

After orientating myself, I found myself in the classroom of 1E4, casually taking a seat in the front row. Okay, I was pretty short for my age back then, I was like the fifth shortest guy then and I shot up to the fifth tallest guy in Sec 4.

In my first few weeks there, I casually made friends with the people seating around me. You have a natural affinity to hang around friends in your "vicinity". At that time, I also met "J".

Yes, "J" was officially my first crush. She was the tallest girl back then and she isn't the most gorgeous looking person back then, she was just someone decent.

And for that fleeting 4-5 months, I felt something fluttering for her. Is it because I like being with her? Or is it because I'm just curious to know her more?

At such a young age of 13, hormonal-driven thoughts were everywhere.

She only sat a seat apart behind my pal who sat directly behind me. So, everytime I turned around, I would be able to see her. I don't know whether she thought of me seriously of course, I just had this feelings for "J".

Some people reading my blog knows who is "J", I even mentioned "J"'s name before to some mdd8 contestants.

And I did something silly, as I recall. I wrote a love letter.

I hesitated passing the love letter to her. I wanted to confront her about how I felt about her but I was really worried how she would react.

I contemplated what I should do, think and react.

I decided to sneak the letter into her bag. And, I waited for her to see.

She didn't manage to see the letter that day as I kept a watchful eye on her movements.

Tommorrow perhaps, I hoped.

The next day, I knew her first glance would tell it all.

Does she? Or does she not?

I saw her walking along the corridor as I finally have some private moments with her.

And she said:"Ben, I don't think it's possible."

"Sound of mirror crashing"

Then, she pierced another dagger into my heart.

"You see, you're too short and ..."

I blanked out after that. I only regathered my hazy thoughts and said. "Well, at least we could be friends."

Did I learn anything out of my first crush? Yup. I will never put my heart on the line unless I'm 99% sure of it. The thing is. that 1% is always volatile and it is either make or break.

"J" remains to this day as my very first crush, quite a special place in my heart.

The ironic thing is, after graduating from 'O' levels, we still kept in contact. I bumped into her at my school carnival and exchanged handphone numbers. She kept sending those "friends" smses and "cute emails" to me. I never did reply because I don't know how to react when people send me "Good night la la la sleep tight" smses and those angelic cute baby picture emails.

I've grown taller than her and actually, went out on a few outings (not dates) with her. She would bring her brother along and once, I went to her chalet and was the only guest there besides her entire family.

Was she trying to hint to me something? I didn't know. I stayed at the chalet with her younger brothers and older sister for like 4 days, accompanying them as a friend would do, to another friend.

Did anything blossom? Did anything developed? Did anything even happened? Sadly, nope.

I had my heart broken once by her, I don't think i can swallow the second heart attack.

Let bygones be bygones Joan,
Benjamin