Contradictions

Life is full of contradictions. You believe that you have a way of thinking but you behave differently. Yes, my life is so weird.

Here's how:

I hate smokers, I can't conceive why people would smoke to harm their health just to look cool. So what if you say it soothes your nerves, I say it freezes your nerve system and next time I see you is in a Changi Hospital operation room. But then again, I get exposed to loads of fumes from public transport and I don't curse the bus drivers.

I eat alot and don't get fat. Now that I eat lesser, I get even fatter. Hence, I have resorted to eat alot to slim down.

I love to be kept busy, having things in my hand just calm my soul. I believe that by being busy, I have purpose in life. (Don't quibble, just read) However, everytime I get bogged down with work, I'll then take on a sianz look and just grudgingly complete whatever shit is thrown to me sometimes, but for most part of the time, I just become a mindless soul bent on completing my task. The weird thing is when I don't have any work to do, I complain that my superiors should give me more work.

I'm a geek in the sense that I keep myself updated with the IT world but yet I don't go about seeking gadgets to amuse myself, just the occassional necessary musings to fiddle about.

I seek to have a personality of my own by having my own style but can't seem to find a formula. Maybe I emulate what I see too much.

I talk alot in front of strangers, just to make them comfortable but when I'm in a crowd and just a lone figure, I will dilute to the background.

I talk about being flexible and spontaneous with my thinking but I have this weird obsession of planning and having a "what to do next list" in my mental conscience.

I have this weird obsession of washing and cleaning my shoes for the last 3 months but have not gotten down to doing it.

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It seems my subconscious mind is lost in transition from adolescene to maturity.

From boy to man,
Benjamin

P.S. Today, I feel like I have been integrated into the Raffles office crowd as it seems I walk and talk like them, like a zombie who is looking for seats at the food court.