Is it worth it?

I've been questioning myself lately.

Is what I'm doing now going to worthwhile much later?

Training as an officer cadet is real tough.

I'm not going to mince my words because the thoughts of me been placed through the grinder every day, in and out is very taxing.

This week's training schedule is sucking the soul out of me.

The physical training and mental tests we are placed under.

Surviving with 5 hours of sleep, trying to keep awake at countless lectures, absorbing military information and getting tested on it and not to mention various PT activities to keep our bodies under duress.

It's a torture rack I tell ya.

I ask myself. Is it worthwhile?

Do I really need to put myself under all that training?

I can just be a man and listen to orders and have no responsibility at all.

First of all, I don't need to prove myself that I can lead. I have leadership qualities, I know that myself, just maybe not in the military context of leading.

Second, I don't have any intentions of signing on or continuing my career in the civil service, so why work so hard?

Lastly, I don't need to curb my ego to climb up the ladder of ranks. I'm happy no matter where I am. I don't need to prove myself.

So the question still lies, why work so hard for something you don't want?

I question that myself alot during training admist all the 'waiting'.

I don't have any time for "me" and I have to put myself to be engrossed with army.

Like my 5.5 days is already engrossed with military stuff and I still have to busy myself with assignments (which btw I have yet to complete) during the weekends and STUDY for what's upcoming.

Sigh. My mind is really ablur.

Some part of me wants to see the whole entire 8 months throught but another part of me keeps bugging me.

"Is it all worth it?"

Meeting my SISPEC buddies yesterday for a bbq and each of them fresh with a new posting, I've been pondering if I could have been them.

Much more carefree and happy-go-lucky than what I used to be now.

Miserable.

I feel more like a wreck now. I have pushed myself to my limits by enduring every phsycial activity without falling out.

Tommorrow is field camp and it is going to be 'breaking point'. I estimate it is either 'break' or 'make'for me.

Since my inception to OCS, I hardly enjoy humour anymore and I don't have the luxury of relaxation.

It's always rush to do this, complete that, finish that up, some chores to do.

I know to some, the answer is simply either you quit or you just suck thumb and endure the whole process.

For me, I'm searching for some rationalizing motivation for me to push on.

Somebody slap my senses.

Okay, enough of my inner thoughts for the WEEK.

Yesterday was letting my hair loose a lil.

Meeting up with Jason x 2, Gareth, Kelvin, Kenny, Farid and Daniel was damn good.

Seeing their spirits so carefree is enlightening to my poor soul.

The BBQ was amazing. Me the experimentalist tried to bbq some roti prata.

I know. BBQ Roti Prata ?

Oh, and I played SOME mahjong last night. It was SO GOOD.

Say it again. SO GOOD. SO GOOD. SO GOOD.

So nice to use my brain for recreation for once.

Well, I'm gonna be late for my meetup with Eric n Ivan. Better log off now.

See you in a week's time.

In the meantime, you might find me in the obituaries if ya feel lucky.

Dead man walking,
Benjamin

Post-BBQ hysteria

Well-trained army signallers