Breaking Down

Never in this world would I expect myself to meltdown.

But it has officially happened.

I just broke down mentally and just cried my tears out.

I guess there is a lot of stress that has been knotting up inside me and the only avenue of expression is either through telling my friends or blogging about it.

And it seems that isn't the solution as I still ended up breaking down.

Last Sunday, I was so stressed up doing my assignment of "Ops order" that when the printer failed to print, I blew up at my mother who was rushing me to eat my dinner.

To really sum up all the stress I'm feeling, I just poured out all to my father who was gracious enough to change his plans and fetch me to camp as I was rushing for time.

I never had such a heartfelt connection with my Dad before and I felt it was my first time being mano oh mano.

My father asked me to pull strong as I dried my tears, knowing that it was a week of suffering that I had to endure again.

On Monday morning (aka 4 am), there was a turnout which was physically strenuous.

I could take it physically.

But mentally inside, I was reflecting how bad a person I have changed through the days since I entered OCS.

Before I entered the stressed world of officer cadet training, I felt very happy-go lucky, had a sense of humour and feel that my shoulders were rather light and fluffy.

After about 2 months inside, I feel I have changed to another human being, totally devoid of my old 'self', the original 'Ben'- sacarstic, humourous and light-headed.

And I hated what I became and how I flared at my mom and I broke down again.

This time, in front of two strangers, my Platoon commander and section commander.

Least to say, it's a first for the books of Benjamin and I shared my problems with them.

They gave me comforting words and after intaking what they have to say, which was good advice btw, I decided to give it a try.

Cut more slack for myself, suck thumb and just endure the whole course.

One of the reasons why I'm staying is because both of them say I was one of the few better ones in the current batch.

Strong motivation there for me. Need to maintain and persevere.

So end decision, just 'endure' and 'loosen' up more.

Loosen up becoz I've turned into a virtual hermit, devoid of human laughter so I do need to blend in and mix around more.

That said, I'm not embarrassed to post about how I mentally broke down and cried.

I believe crying allows the relief of whatever tension that has been stored inside and it is a form of expression.

Apparently, keeping it all in was not a 'good' thing becoz I cracked and was very depressed and acted 'abnormally'.

So fuck off if you said I am a sissy or some emotional biatch that finally ranted thru tears.

Wow.

Sounds like I'm a deeply troubled person ay ? lol.

Anyway, the last few days damn shagged. Little sleep esp at field camp and this evening SOC is shaggedelic.

Holding a 10 kg Gun for 2 whole days on my shoulders and smelling like a sweaty hog isn't that comforting.

Time to catch up with the family this Saturday.

God only knows when I have decent time with them.

Until then,
Benjamin