Is it worth it?

I've been questioning myself lately.

Is what I'm doing now going to worthwhile much later?

Training as an officer cadet is real tough.

I'm not going to mince my words because the thoughts of me been placed through the grinder every day, in and out is very taxing.

This week's training schedule is sucking the soul out of me.

The physical training and mental tests we are placed under.

Surviving with 5 hours of sleep, trying to keep awake at countless lectures, absorbing military information and getting tested on it and not to mention various PT activities to keep our bodies under duress.

It's a torture rack I tell ya.

I ask myself. Is it worthwhile?

Do I really need to put myself under all that training?

I can just be a man and listen to orders and have no responsibility at all.

First of all, I don't need to prove myself that I can lead. I have leadership qualities, I know that myself, just maybe not in the military context of leading.

Second, I don't have any intentions of signing on or continuing my career in the civil service, so why work so hard?

Lastly, I don't need to curb my ego to climb up the ladder of ranks. I'm happy no matter where I am. I don't need to prove myself.

So the question still lies, why work so hard for something you don't want?

I question that myself alot during training admist all the 'waiting'.

I don't have any time for "me" and I have to put myself to be engrossed with army.

Like my 5.5 days is already engrossed with military stuff and I still have to busy myself with assignments (which btw I have yet to complete) during the weekends and STUDY for what's upcoming.

Sigh. My mind is really ablur.

Some part of me wants to see the whole entire 8 months throught but another part of me keeps bugging me.

"Is it all worth it?"

Meeting my SISPEC buddies yesterday for a bbq and each of them fresh with a new posting, I've been pondering if I could have been them.

Much more carefree and happy-go-lucky than what I used to be now.

Miserable.

I feel more like a wreck now. I have pushed myself to my limits by enduring every phsycial activity without falling out.

Tommorrow is field camp and it is going to be 'breaking point'. I estimate it is either 'break' or 'make'for me.

Since my inception to OCS, I hardly enjoy humour anymore and I don't have the luxury of relaxation.

It's always rush to do this, complete that, finish that up, some chores to do.

I know to some, the answer is simply either you quit or you just suck thumb and endure the whole process.

For me, I'm searching for some rationalizing motivation for me to push on.

Somebody slap my senses.

Okay, enough of my inner thoughts for the WEEK.

Yesterday was letting my hair loose a lil.

Meeting up with Jason x 2, Gareth, Kelvin, Kenny, Farid and Daniel was damn good.

Seeing their spirits so carefree is enlightening to my poor soul.

The BBQ was amazing. Me the experimentalist tried to bbq some roti prata.

I know. BBQ Roti Prata ?

Oh, and I played SOME mahjong last night. It was SO GOOD.

Say it again. SO GOOD. SO GOOD. SO GOOD.

So nice to use my brain for recreation for once.

Well, I'm gonna be late for my meetup with Eric n Ivan. Better log off now.

See you in a week's time.

In the meantime, you might find me in the obituaries if ya feel lucky.

Dead man walking,
Benjamin

Post-BBQ hysteria

Well-trained army signallers

Addicted

Been bumming around the last 24 hours or so.

Booked out on Friday afternoon to attend the offical end of Service Term 1.

A social night as in a mini prom without too much extravagance was held to 'commerate' a landmark for cadets.

And who did I ask for my female companion if one was to ask?

My dear friend Wendy, who made that event all so not boring for me.

Frankly speaking, if not for her, I would be rolling my eyes at the lull of entertainment that was provided.

Well, what can you expect from events given the constraints of not being too wild and imaginative. At least it was not held at the cadets' mess.

We practically chatted throughout the event and playing a guessing Yes/No game to wil away time.

Have to admit though, the live band at Hard Rock Cafe was fantastic. Kudos to the lady singers.

Went to watch a midnight movie titled 'Closer'. Anything with Julia Roberts has my $8.50 for sure.

Plot was intringuing but puts you off track when you see the flurry of falling in/out of love between Natalie Portman, Jude Law, Julia and Clive Owen.

Note: It is also worth $8.50 to see Natalie in skimpy bikini outfit

Be also forewarned you might not catch the plot of inter-human r/s where they kiss/make-up/break-up.

My Saturday was well spend on my lappie, soaking up on 8 episodes of The OC, American idol 4 and Survivor:Pulau.

According to my calculations, that's like 10 hours of useless data being reviewed by moi.

I so need television programs like breathing for my weekends or I will cease to exist.

Fine, label me as lazy fat arse couch potatoe but I'm happy the way I am.

Not only that, I've also been reorganizing lost photos from outer space (aka memory cards) to my photos collection and backing them up in case it ever gets lost to outer space again (i.e. memory hard disk crash).

Enjoy the photos.

TV addict,
Benjamin

Terence, Alvin and Me - Depressed SISPEC departees

Ben n Zen - Nice ring to it huh?

HRC - I was smirking with Wendy how wasted my $95 went down the drain

Looking all so couple-y

My Preppy Harvard Law student look

The Big V

(A dozen of photos to bio...)
Yes, it's valentine's day.

A day to reflect how miserable I am in the dating scene.

And according to Maslow's Hierachy of Needs, my affiliation needs are not met so I can go bonkers and get stuck at this level forever.

Oh, disclaimer. My wing commander allow all of us to book out to celebrate valentine's day.

I'm just celebrating mine with a laptop. Nothing new.

But to return to the issue of loveless me, it can't be helped I guess.

Not to sound so forlorn but I don't think I'm great boyfriend material.

I have average looks with no time due to army commitment. My weekends will be spent at cinemas with me sleeping over your shoulder and I have slowly morphed to a miser.

Great boyfriend material ?

Oh phooey.

But honestly speaking, I'm keeping my eyes wide open.

I'm not finding the "one" or much less finding someone who I can just flirt around with.

Maybe it is nice just to find somebody who just likes being in the comfort of my arms and we just acknowledge and slowly pass time one another in ones' embrace with the sands of time passing slowly at the back of our heads.....

Okay. Somebody slap me. I'm daydreaming.

Is it that hard to find a companion?

I've assessed my situation. All the good ones are taken.

There are a few left where chemistry have no inkling of bubbling (with me that is).

Maybe I'm just un-combustible with certain kind of people.

I'm pretty friendly. I don't bite unless you bite me first and I don't sweaty armpits.

What more can a girl want lol?

Okay. I'm poking senseless fun at myself on my blog and I'm just babbling with hysteria from loneliness on V day.

Argh.

Hate expensive flowers at this time of the season,
Benjamin

P.S. Farewell Clara n June, best of luck for your studies in Oz

P.S.S. Random photos from my camera which I downsized becoz me having horrible V day and nothing to do except 'fiddle' & 'fondle' with me laptop...

The Best Section I'll ever have in Army !!! SISPEC - With Pride We Lead


34th SISPEC Echo Elites Platoon 1 Section 4


JZ & Moi - Best buddy I ever had for 6 weeks


Charlie & Me - 2 hours before crossover news- oblivious to torture abound


Mahjong buds - You still owe me $$$$ lol - This is a public notice


The Diva & Me


We're not letting go until someone tells us this is not a gigantic dildo!!!


Yes, I have a very big mouth


I had a lip ulcer from opening my big mouth


Me & JM at Starbucks


The Kissy Cushy Cousins - Faith, Daphne & Moi


Charlie (the chihuahua) seems beligerent to be included in this snapshot

Burst of energy

The fantasy had to end somehow.

The 6 day reprieve has been more than rejuvenating for me.

In about a few hours, I'd have to check-in to Motel Madness and least to say, I wish I had more time out.

In these 6 days, I've been sleeping, munching and slouching.

Simply sinful.

Oh, I've also gotten word about my future.

Yes, life after army, as my uncle was discussing with me what were my future plans, he gave a rough layout on expenses and what I should look out for.

Plans are not concrete now but he gave me a yellow brick road that I can look far ahead and imagine what lies beyond.

In addition to that, I said earlier about a well-deserved trip overseas, it will be with a dear friend of mine to backpack in a rather costly country.

Plans are not so concrete as of yet but the promise we made to one another, for me it's as good as gold.

With such fluid plans in my head, it would make my life so much interesting to pass when I'm in the army.

I can think of the 'what ifs' and the 'how much' while falling in and waiting there like a dumb mule at attention position.

For those in the army would know the phrase 'Wait to rush, rush to wait' very well.

These 6 days injected life into me and for that, I thank the calendar gods.

I don't look forward to the day I commission anymore. I look further.

ORD. 2006.

If only I can push forward time.

Benjamin

Post Mortem: CNY

Chinese New Year ain't what it used to be anymore.

When I was young (Read: Before 20), I used to cavort the distribution of red packets.

Now, it feels like a lil pang of guilt now that you are earning a decent pay pocket.

Now that I'm saying the military is paying me enuff, it is NEVER enuff.

2.5 years of psychological torture at the peak of my lifetime (Read: Youth) isn't what I would like but since I'm born Singaporean .... oh well .....

Chinese New Year is somewhat different to me somehow.

Read: I never engorge myself with new year cookies

Until this year. That is.

I have offically finish 3 tubs of cookies and counting.

I love those with peanuts on them and make sure it is buttery and sugary.

I'm 58kg. I'm underweight for a lanky frame.

Sue me.

I'm really putting on the pounds. So that I have more to cut before I turn to sticks and bones.

And I'm procrastinating on what I have to do for my assignments due for OCS.

I have to finsh 1 of them tonight at the very least.

I have stave all the cookie tubs away (at least my mom did) and have ban myself from the computer after I've blog.

I've downloaded so much Desperate Housewives, Alias, Amazing Race and American Idol that I've procrastinated too much on doing my assignments.

What can I say?

Peanuty cookies go well with a laidback arse on a fluffy cushion and wonderful entertainment.

Oh before I forget, I got alot of photos stored inside my camera from random events.

I'm gonna post them before I book in on Sunday. I hope.

And to end off, I've been thinking about this a long time.

A well-deserved holiday when I ORD.

ORD: Offically Ready to Depart from Hellhole

Since you really cannot go overseas for a long period of time when you're in the army, when I ORD I wanna go explore somewhere.

So I have a fund which I'm already starting to accumulate.

Note: I already have another bank account for this sole purpose.

Now that I have CNY hongbao $$$ with nowhere to spend (except for a pair of frameless glasses; not that I need it NOW anyway), I can start saving everytime I get an allowance from you-know-where.

So 2006, tentatively, get out of this country and go backpack.

Sound idea for a spirited soul.

Benjamin

P.S. New seasons of Amazing Race and Survivor is showing soon. I am so going to love TV so much this year. Go to my newly updated reality links if yall r interested.

Simply fabulous

I had such fabulous fun tonight.

Went down to Zouk and as many would critic how Mambo night would be ALWAYS the same genre of music, it still got me grooving no matter what.

Reached there at 9pm to get my early chop to avoid late night queues and then proceeded back from Mac at Great World at around 11pm plus, Zouk was BRIMMING with peeps.

Lots of cute gals. My eyes had a buffet spread for this CNY.

Music started out a lil dull n crappy but the most irritating part was the CROWD.

No shuffle space for your elbows much less viewing angle at the crowd, I was either randomly elbowing people while jigging around.

I was a lil amazed at myself though becoz I lasted the whole night dancing.

Music was FANTASTIC after midnight and I got a lil' high.

Had great company too with my SISPEC buddies of Gareth, Jason K, Jason T and Dan. Met up with Zhiwei n Eric there too.

In between all the brouhaha of retro music and heads throbbing, I saw/experienced a few 'firsts'.

- Eric flatly turned down a blatant ONS offer
- Gareth went off early with a transexual (Note: He was tipsy and was warned)
- Jason T the intellectual was partying
- I was oddly interested in a few (2) transexuals dancing on the platform

To sum it all up, I had a great time catching up and letting my hair loose with you guys. I love SISPEC !!!

Oh, I've yet to sleep but I'm still brimming with energy.

Must be all the CNY cookies I packed up at my granduncle's house.

I can't help myself !!!!

Watta day for me. Simply fabulous fun.

Delirious,
Benjamin

Mind Frenzy

What can I honestly blog about?

I lead an army life that really shags me out.

Red pock marks from unidentified creatures on a creaking back and a swirling mind, I can honestly say, there isn't much to shout hoo-hah here in OCS.

First off, the wing that I'm in is rather tough or what most people say, "siong".

It is not the physical pain that one is placed under the torture rack but it is rather the mental strain that one is under duress.

Everyone there is always in a frenzy meeting instructors' expectations and the near impossible timing.

So many things to do with so little time. My admin (free) time is reduced to barely umm.... 10 seconds before I have to doze off.

In OCS, there is always something to do or prepare for the next day. I can never sleep with a peaceful mind without any worries for tommorrow.

That say, OCS is a challenge and since I'm 'catapulted' into this obstacle, I will do my best to overcome it.

Another worth mentionable fact is that the people that I have grown to know there are of 2 majority of cliques.

They are either the proud pricks or the anal retentive.

Seriously, because some of us (me included) are crossover from SISPEC, I kinda feel ostracized and left out in conversations or when tasks are distributed out to the platoon.

Call me paranoid but it doesn't only happen to me but the rest of the other 'crossovers' or aptly named 'new birds'.

I guess I cannot blame them because they (the old birds) have been clustered together and they feel comfortable with one another already and for us to intrude is like an intrusion to normalcy.

That said, please do not quote me that I am trying to generalize or sterotype all of them as pricks or anal arseholes.

There are a few good people there but there are some that are just .....

The best phrase to put it in a politically correct manner is ....

"In SISPEC, you 'garang'. In OCS, you 'wayang'."

I have 8 more months ahead, I hope to know them better and I will give them the benefit of the doubt that they are not what I perceive them to be.

I just feel a better sense of brotherhood and easiness among my SISPEC friends.

It just feels a little tense, as though it is like a 9 month competition where everyone has to outperform one another.

For one, I would like to state my intentions to complete my course unscratched and unscathed.

I am happy the way I am.

I don't feel less of a man if I don't get my officer rank.

A human being sets their own expectations. If you set yourself based on others' expectations, you will soon falter as you cannot please EVERYONE.

That said too, I have become very reserved as I felt I couldn't be myself there in OCS with so many eyes on me warning me that freedom of expression in the form of my lame jokes and quirkiness is frowned upon.

On another note, my laptop hard disk crashed.

F U C K. I really don't know what happened but the seriousness of the matter settled in what I noticed two major facts.

1) All photos have went 'poof'
2) Along with all my design programs

Sob sob. Least to say I'm pissed.

2 years and 4 months. That's how long it lasted for moi.

I have since then replaced my hard disk and I have a brand new interface that I'm still adjusting myself too.

I lost all my programs, my links and how I placed and organized my wonderful files.

All gone with the wind now. Sad. Grrr....

Note to self:
I SHALL NOW DO A MONTHLY BACKUP TO AN EXTERNAL HDD FOR ALL IMPORTANT FILES.

I have downloaded/bought/re-installed loads of programs to replace my loss.

Dreamweaver, Photoshop CS, ICQ, MSN, Yahoo Messenger, Kazaa, BitComet, Exeem, Office XP, Skype, iTunes and Mozilla Firefox.

The above are the basic neccessities I need to survive in the internet world.

Without the above, I will suffocate at my keyboard with my fingers trembling and scraching the keyboard.

Oh, before I forget.

IF ANYBODY HAS ANY PHOTOS THAT HAS ME INSIDE, please send them to my email or sent it to me thru MSN.

I BEG YA. (on my knees....)

To end off a typical boring post of what I have become that is not the cheerful sacarstic me anymore ....

I have assignments to do (from army, DUH!, where else).

Happy Chinese New Year to everyone though, althought it won't be all that "Happy" for me.

So much work to do, so little time,
Officer Cadet Trainee Benjamin